Oh, go on. Tell me more about how disastrous your date was where you spilled some wine. That sounds like a really rough thing to go through, you poor baby.

One time I went on a date with someone who I met online. I don’t remember much of it but I do remember coming to in the middle desert with only one kidney, and I am fairly certain that I had two when the date began. 

I went on a date with someone else who was a rock star and she wrote a song about me and now I can’t go out in public. You probably never heard of that song though.

This other time I went on a date where she told me that I too often tell hyperbolic stories that clearly never happened.  That was an awful thing to hear. Can you imagine dating a liar? 

  • It seems like you got what you were after

    I went on a date with a girl who said she loved playing pranks on people and being pranked. So in our first date I took her to Montana’s and told the staff secretly it was her birthday. When they brought out the big hat and song, she broke into tears and ran out of the restaurant.

    I ate her dessert

    TheBigDsOpinion

  • Wow...

    He dropped to the ground to do push ups to show off how buff he was while we were on a hike. I stood there awkwardly while he did like 20. Why? Just why?

    lilcreamycat

  • Go on...

    This was a looong time ago, but went on a date with the girl. I can’t say I was particularly attracted to her in person, but I was a nervous guy and wanted to be nice, maybe be friends. We had coffee, then she suggested going somewhere for a drink. Then at some point soon after, she decided she’d had enough & wasn’t interested, but wasn’t actually willing to say so… directly. So she proceeded to tell me the following:

    “I usually only like buff guys that are around 6ft 6” and

    “I’m thinking of moving interstate…really soon”

    I kinda saw what was happening and thought, she’s not going to come out and finish this up, so I let it continue and got to: “I have grotesque deformities on my sexual organs”.

    At the end of the night I said, so do you want to see me again? To which she shyly/giggly said “of course”!!!

    I sent her a text later saying that if she didn’t really want to see me, she should just say so, to… no response.

    poundedchicken

  • Sharing is caring

    Cute girl, went out for dinner and hung out at the beach to watch the sunset. We started getting a little frisky then she asked if I wanted to go to her place. Hell yeah!

    We pull up and she tells me her roommate is here but “it’s okay, he won’t mind at all

    It didn’t bother me that she had a male roommate, but it bothered me how she said it. Like there was a underlining meaning there.

    We walk in and I meet her roommate. Hmm, decent guy, I must be thinking too much.

    We go in her room and we begin to make out. She unzips my pants and starts going down on me. After about five minutes of heaven, I see her door fly open. It’s her roommate. In all his naked glory.

    I freak the hell out and start pulling up my pants. Just saying “what the fuck” over and over. She’s trying to calm me down by saying “relax” and she tells me “we like to share with one another, there is nothing wrong with that”. Nope, there’s a lot wrong with that.

    I grab my clothes and bolt for the door, nudging this dudes boner with my hip on the way out like those door stops that go “booiiinggg”.

    Never talked to her again after that and never want to. First time I ever shared this story.

    DrGiggleFr1tz

  • What a stud

    Not from my perspective but took a girl to McDonald’s and she sat there and watched me eat my food.

    Maybe_Im_Really_DVA

  • Drugs kill the mood

    A 3rd date and this girl wanted me to come over, get high and fuck. She does warn me her pot is fairly strong and i’m careful. After taking 4 or 5 hits i realise it’s starting to have effect so i sit down. Within 30 min i was so high i felt like i was going sink through the floor. Within an hour i started puking. Another hour or so i finally stop puking and fall asleep. Hopefully this is the worst date she have had aswell and if she sees this, i’m sry :/

    Skallig

  • I only date dry people

    It had nothing to do with the person I was dating but the circumstances. We were eating at a fast food joint when a random kid comes up and pours a cup of water all over me. Takes off running and laughing with his friends in what I assume must have been a bet. I was too startled to even run after them and was just incredibly embarrassed, not to mention soaking wet in the city in the middle of winter.

    PainMatrix

  • Honestly, I am surprissed you even showed up.

    I was 20 she was 19, agreed to meet at a mall then get dinner when online dating was still a new thing (and she had also given me instructions on what I could/couldn’t wear). She showed up behind her mom, whom I ended up officially meeting before I could actually see the girl, who pointed out her son was up on a balcony keeping an eye on us and would continue to do so for the rest of the night.

    Walked around a bit and kinda window shopped, she kept holding my hand which I assumed was a good sign but then started impersonating Forrest Gump. I forget where we had dinner but I remember it costing about the equivalent to my last paycheck. Later found out despite her age she was still a HS junior. Made out a little bit before her dad came to pick her (and I’m assuming her brother) up. Literally met the whole family.

    I went home and deleted my profile.

    petethepianist

  • Sometimes it is okay to cancel

    Had a curry the night before and had the shits, pooped myself at the train station but thought I had cleared it up. Unfortunately a little nugget of turd had fallen down my trousers and got caught in my leg hair and socks, proceeded to itch it on the date and pull up my trouser leg…she saw the poop and left very shortly after that.

    ItchyBallzSack

  • Looks like she won't be getting that one ring

    Took me to see the third Lord of the Rings movies.

    Had never seen the first two and had no idea what the fuck was happening.

    KitKatMasterJapan

  • If only the aunt really did try to cockblock

    He was more than three hours late, and was texting me telling me that he was 20 minutes away for two of those hours. As soon as he arrived he tried to tell me to leave the part of the venue/dive bar I’d already paid in to so we could go where he wanted, tried to start a fight with a friend I’d happened to run into, and called my aunt (who’d talked me into going out with him in the first place) a “cockblocking bitch”. I just walked away from him after that last one, and we never spoke again. –I waited so long because I liked the bands that were playing. I wouldn’t have stayed if I was sitting around doing nothing. He got there just before the last band finished, but I’d had about enough of him by then because he’d been telling me that he was on the train in the same place for two hours. We don’t live out in the middle of nowhere and he could have easily gotten a bus or tram the rest of the way in that time if there was a problem with the train. He never gave me a proper excuse but I didn’t really care at that point.

    ]Elise764

  • Well, this took a turn

    low on money, was planning to just go down to the lake and build a fire,skinny dip, and get the blanket and pillow out of the trunk and have sex. her parents made us take her little brother with us as they were going out for the evening.

    we wound up walking around the mall with no money to spend.

    Drunk_Grandpa

  • Should have gone out with the friend

    He brought his friend who was fresh out of prison and proceeded to Russian dance (he was British) all over an empty dance floor in a bar. I left quickly.

    dropthetinsel

     

  • I don't think this even counts as a date

    It was my 10th grade year in high school. I had a crush on a girl in my class who we’ll call Susan. At this point in time, I had not gone on a date or even kissed another person’s lips except for my grandmother’s. I knew that needed to change.

    It was the friday before our high school’s big dance. It was a very popular event for our school. Everyone in the school goes to it. Even the “cool” kids. Now, Susan wasn’t particularly popular, however, I went to a school with a little less than 800 students, so people knew her, and she had plenty of friends. I overheard her friend’s talking about needing to get Susan a date, so I knew I needed to act fast. I was too scared to ask her in person, but I knew which locker was her’s. So I wrote a note asking if she would be my date, left my number at the bottom, and asked her to text me her answer. At the end of the day, I got a text saying to meet her at her house Saturday around 6pm. Score!

    I spent my entire Saturday morning picking out the perfect outfit. I was very excited. I decided to wear one of my older brorher’s suits. It was a little too big for me, but I didn’t care. 6pm rolls along, so I drive to her house, which is only about 10 minutes away. When I get to her house, I walk up to the door and ring the doorbell. She opens the door, but she’s in a tanktop presumably stilling getting ready. She tells me to come in. Her father is in the living room watching some tv show about aliens. He tells us to be quiet as to not interupt his show. She takes my hand and leads me up the stairs into her bedroom. Amazing. I’d never been in a girl’s room before. She tells me that she needs to finish curling her hair, and that’ll only take a few more minutes. No problem. I sit down in a chair in the middle of her room. That’s when 5 of her friend’s jump out of the closet with wiffleball bats. She stands up, comes over to where I’m sitting and pulls both my pants and boxers down to my ankles. So there I am, naked from the waste down, frozen out of embarrassment. Her friends proceed to hit me over over and over directly in the ballsack. Hit after hit after hit. By the end of it my balls looked like an eggplant if you’d beaten it with a baseball bat multiple times. Terrible. I still get a boner anytime I see a wiffleball bat.

    Worst date ever.

    Sassy_Cinnabon

  • Caffeine is a sin

    I was asked out for a coffee date. I ended up in a bible study session.

    rxndc101

  • Seagulls are jerks

    Took a girl on a date when I was super broke and was prepared to spend the $50 i had to my name. We get to the restaurant and I ask for a patio seat on the beach, thinking I was some badass. Problem was it was fucking 104F degrees outside. So, we’re in the sweltering death heat and I want to show off that I eat well, so I order a caesar fucking salad. It’s an awful salad but I shove it down my gullet anyway. Throughout the course of the lunch, I do everything I possibly can to open up a dialogue but she’s unbearably quiet the whole time. That is, until she suddenly opens her mouth and says, “Thaat’s disturbing…” I have no idea wtf she is talking about until I look left and there’s a gigantic seagull leering over me trying to eat my fucking caesar salad. This winged bastard hits me in the face with its wing and grabs a crouton off my plate. I then slap the seagull and it flies off. She kind of laughs but is clearly not pleased with my seagull relations. After that, things are just so awkward but this girl was really cute so i wanted to keep the date going. I then suggested coffee, which might be cute if it weren’t 104F degrees outside. She says, “I don’t really like coffee but I’ll go with you.” So, I just roll with it and go to a cafe. We’re chatting and I’m miserably drinking this hot fucking coffee in hot fucking heat when all of a sudden my weak ass wrist gives way and I spill the coffee all over my crotch. Suffice it to say this was the end of the date.

    Idrinknailpolish

  • Ladies love farts

    Went on a first date to a Mexican restaurant. He was nervous so proceeded to eat basically all of the table’s chips and salsa. Then ordered a meal with a lot of beans and spices. After dinner, we were watching a movie when he kissed me. He smelled badly of beans.

    We’re engaged now.

    someinvisiblehand

  • Triple Threat!

    The guy said to me that he loves rock bands, so we gone to a local band show… getting there, he started to show that he didn’t know anything about it and I have lost interest, so he tried to kiss me but I’m short and he’s very tall and lazy so he couldn’t bend down for kiss me right and the mouths badly touched, worst kiss ever and at the end 50$ of my pocket had disappeared… he was dumb, bad kisser and a thief

    darthyams

  • Do not disrupt the peace

    The one and only time I ever went on a date with a coworker was when I was fresh out of college at a tech company. I worked in the customer facing department but a programmer asked me out via OkCupid and I decided to give it a shot. How bad could it be?

    He took me to a QDoba where he counted the number of times food fell from my burrito to my plate while I was eating. There were a few other issues (bad breath, slightly antagonistic during conversation), but the burrito thing was unforgivable. Let a woman eat a burrito in peace!!!

    laurahrahrah

  • Well, he doesn't sound like a nice guy

    Guy complained a lot. About his job. About his life, about other people he went out with. It was very awkward. Mentioned how he was looking for a wife (woah slow down buddy) He talked about himself endlessly, and all of his stories were about him being better than his senior/upper level employees/bosses etc. Never asked me about me, until the last five minutes of the date. Also, said how climate change had always made him cry and get emotional. (I understand it’s Important,but his reaction was a bit too much for me at the moment)

    Days later he keeps texting me, and even tells me about a date he went on with a woman who was obviously going through a hard time on her life. But he completely disparaged her to me, and kept going on about how he tried to help her like the “nice guy” he is. Just really gross behavior from someone that claims to be compassionate.

    About a month after our first date, he asks me out, he liked me and says he wants to see me again. I reject him saying I think we’d get along better as friends. He replies with something about him “feeling the same way”. Ok…sure.

    Honestly I feel bad for the guy. He is just too into himself sadly.

    Sherenphy

  • Don't take your date to Olive Garden. C'mon, man!

    In high school I took this cute girl to Olive Garden. I was way intimidated by her, she was too hot for my insecure ass. Anyway there was a wait so I put my name on the list.

    And we waited. Talking. No so bad.

    Waited. The waiting room is thinning out.

    Still waiting. I felt like an asshole going up to the hostess and being like “wtf” even though that’s exactly what I should have done.

    Girl is now reading the phone book. I swear to god. The phone book. We were seated near the pay phone.

    “I guess we’ll just leave,” I said.

    We went to my parents house after sitting there for like an hour and a half.

    You guys won’t believe this but it didn’t work out between us.

    I am the worst.

    soomuchcoffee

  • Tell me more about rural propaganda

    We went to a carnival (annual, big thing – my state gets a holiday during it). He was incredibly pessimistic about the entire thing, mostly because it was a farmer based carnival and he doesn’t support ‘rural propaganda’. Also because he doesn’t like spending money. He brought his own lunch despite food being one of the main attractions. He kept complaining about how he would end up getting the flu.

    He just looked like he was getting his teeth pulled the entire time. I was trying to have a good time and I was trying to find things he might enjoy but nothing worked. He was such a downer, I had a pretty poor time despite doing things I would have enjoyed.

    Still dating him, because it wasn’t our first date and he is a fucking goldmine boyfriend wise, other than that incident.

    polygonsaresorude

  • Take care of yourself, everyone.

    She got WASTED. Sat there aggressively drinking and talking loudly about herself, couldn’t get a word in. At the end of the date I had to help carry her to a taxi (she cab shared with a friend thankfully). Got a sheepish message from her the next day asking if I knew where her shoes and belt were.

    lightyear_kid

  • What a mess

    Tinder date. He looked nothing like his picture, kept asking me if I thought he was good enough/ attractive, told me that “most girls say I don’t look like my picture”

    He then went on a rant about how much he hated Chinese people ( he has from Hong Kong but adopted by white people, I’m white) and how Chinese people shouldn’t be allowed into Australia.

    I then told him I’ve spent the last 8 years learning Mandarin and most of my best friends are Chinese. It was awkward and sad.

    DaoDiBitch

  • Try to get through this without cringing.

    I had a friend who was a stereotypical neckbeard. He owned a fedora and lived in his parent’s basement. He shared his weed and video game time with me, so that was always pretty cool.

    Anyhow, about five-ish years ago, when we were still friends, he tells me about this date he had with this girl. He says he isn’t sure that it ended well or not. I says, tell me what happened.

    First, he says that he took her on an “all day date”. Dude, rule number one of getting to know someone, don’t take them out for an all day date. One, if not both of you will get tired. People need time apart to rest and process their thoughts.

    He was a hardcore brony. He bought My Little Pony figures and re-painted them. So he thought he would be clever and gift her two or three throughout the day. He gave her the first one while they were at the zoo, if I recall correctly.

    Then he tells me that he gave her another one while they were at a movie. He thought he was being clever, or cute, and stuck it partially buried into their shared popcorn. While telling me this part of his story, he seemed frustrated at her, because he thought that she was being daft for eating around the figurine.

    I was like, nah dude, it was an awkward time and a weird way to continue to give someone your creepy custom painted My Little Pony figurines.

    Then he says at the end of the day, she drops him off (yeah), and he smiles and waves. He says that she had to make some kind of turn and come back around. He said that he smiled and waved at her as she drove past the second time, but he said that she was just looking straight ahead and ignored him.

    I didn’t really feel bad for the guy. He is a huge, huge internet troll and an asshole. He didn’t take criticism, and refused to take my input on how a grown man wearing a fedora handing out custom painted My Little Pony figurines is not what a grown woman is looking for in a relationship.

    ThurstingForNowlege