60+ Dad Jokes You Can Use to Incessantly Pester Your Kids
Updated Feb. 22 2019, 12:44 p.m. ET
One of the perks of being a dad is being gifted — from the second your first child is born — with a penchant for telling absolutely god-awful jokes.
If you hated puns before, you'll love them now. Even if you're part of that small population of fathers that still manages to have a disdain for wordplay, you'll love "making fun" of dad jokes. Then, after telling them for a while, the dad joke-ness will take over you and your transition into an official dad joke-teller will be complete.
And although the ability to tell awful jokes will be sure to make your children roll their eyes for years to come, even the most skilled dad jokesters need a little inspiration from time to time. Keep these 50 in your back pocket whenever you have an opportunity to annoy your kids.
1. You like parrots?
Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot.
A: A carrot!
2. Dogs that moonlight as magicians.
Q: What do you call a magic dog?
A: A Labracadabrador.
3. The theater.
Q: Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
A: He was just going through a stage.
4. Good old neutral Switzerland.
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
5. Dinosaurs with a penchant for cars.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car?
A: Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
6. A pepper who can't keep to themselves.
Q: What do you call a nosy pepper?
A: Jalapeño business!
7. Ewww, sand, go take a shower.
Q: Why was the sand wet?
A: Because the sea weed.
8. This shark is so awesome.
Q: What do sharks say when something cool happens?
A: Jawesome!
9. Mummies love rocking out, you didn't know that?
Q: What kind of music do mummies listen to?
A: Wrap music.
10. The numbers, they're a multiplyin'!
Q: Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
A: It’s Dublin.
11. The expecting insect.
Q: Have you heard of the pregnant bed bug?
A: She’s going to have her baby in the spring.
12. Not a dog pile, but a cat pile.
Q: What do you call a pile of cats?
A: A meow-tain.
13. Flowers are very good at arithmetic.
Q: How many lips does a flower have?
A: Tu-lips.
14. OK, elves and gnomes are technically different species, but...
Q: What do elves do after school?
A: Their gnome work.
15. A little communion joke for ya'll.
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.
16. This is an essential dad joke setup and punchline format.
Q: Which hand is better to write with?
A: Neither, it’s better to write with a pen.
17. Good for taking control of your own happiness, Humpty.
Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
A: To make up for his miserable summer.
18. This tomato's so coy.
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.
19. Cheese property rights are very important.
Q: What do you call cheese that’s not your cheese?
A: Nacho cheese.
20. An appliance and beach joke all rolled into one.
Q: What washes up on really small beaches?
A: Micro-waves.
21. Literal jokes are essential dad joke fare.
Q: How do you talk to giants?
A: Use big words!
22. Especially when their mama or dada are all the way up on the moon.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
23. Technically fans just circulate the same air, but still.
Q: Why is a baseball stadium always cold?
A: Because it’s full of fans!
24. I always imagined Batman as more of a rugby guy.
Q: Which superhero hits the most home runs?
A: Batman
25. Bet you didn't see this one coming.
Q: Why was the picture sent to jail?
A: It was framed.
26. This is a ruff one.
Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
A: They have two left feet.
27. A little science joke for ya'll.
Q: Why can’t you trust atoms?
A: They make up everything.
28. Awww the ocean is so nice.
Q: How does the ocean say hello?
A: It waves.
29. A little moon joke for you.
Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
A: Great food, no atmosphere.
30. A high carbohydrate joke.
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta.
31. Apples to apples.
Q: How many apples grow on a tree?
A: All of them.
32. Rock and scissors should get on this one.
Q: Want to hear a joke about paper?
A: Nevermind, it's tearable.
33. Wood you like to hear a joke about beavers?
Q: I just watched a program about beavers.
A: It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
34. A little joke to go with your morning coffee.
Q: Why did the coffee file a police report?
A: It got mugged.
35. Waddle waddle waddle waddle flap flap flap.
Q: How does a penguin build its house?
A: Igloos it together.
36. Dads, keep this one in your back pocket.
Q: Dad, did you get a haircut?
A: No, I got them all cut.
37. Looks like he'll have to get another Juan.
Q: What do you call a Mexican guy who lost his car?
A: Carlos.
38. Another one for dad to keep on the back-burner.
Q: Dad, can you put my shoes on?
A: No, I don't think they'll fit me.
39. A little farm humor for you.
Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.
40. Guaranteed to get an eye-roll.
Q: I'll call you later.
A: Don't call me later, call me dad.
41. Elephants never forget a terrible joke.
Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
A: Irrelephant.
42. Any contractor dads in the house?
Q: Want to hear a joke about construction?
A: Actually, I'm still working on it.
43. The Tour de France of corny jokes.
Q: Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
A: It was two tired.
44. What a grape joke.
Q: What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
A: He let out a little wine.
45. A little bar humor.
Q: People don't like having to bend over to get their drinks.
A: We really need to raise the bar.
46. Kickin' it with awful jokes.
Q: I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
A: I'm just doing it for kicks.
47. Gymnasts will just love you if you use this one.
Q: Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?
A: I was head over heels.
48. You'll be a real heel if you tell this joke.
Q: I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
A: It was sole destroying.
49. This joke is Huffman Koos approved.
Q: A furniture store keeps calling me.
A: All I wanted was one nightstand.
50. This is a wholesome one.
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: It's fine, he woke up.
51. Save this one for Halloween.
Q: Why don't skeletons ever go trick-or-treating?
A: Because they have no body to go with.
52. One of these days, it'll just be you and mom again.
Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
A: Bison.
53. Can't get enough prehistoric punchlines?
Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
A: Because the pee is silent.
54. If only Pinocchio had thought of this...
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot.
55. Got you for a second there.
Q: Can February March?
A: No, but April May.
56. Oh, the poor bees.
Q: Why does bees hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.
57. Make sure there's a lifeguard present.
Q: Is this pool safe for diving?
A: It deep ends.
58. Here's how you'll get them to learn their prayers.
Q: Where do you learn to make ice cream?
A: Sunday school.
59. This one's a meta dad joke.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
A: He won the 'No-Bell' prize.
60. Terrible, but we would have loved to be there.
Q: Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
A: There was nothing left but de Brie.
61. Depends what you want to be when you grow up...
Q: Why did the can-crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda-pressing.
62. Kids these days....
Q: Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
A: They haven't got a gig yet.
63. Get him some lozenges, please.
Q: What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A: A little horse.
64. A+'s in science, all around.
Q: What did the officer molecule say to the suspect molecule?
A: I've got my ion you.
65. Here's why Halloween isn't in the winter.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
