21 Absurd Headlines That Shouldn't Have Happened This Week
Updated Nov. 18 2019, 2:21 p.m. ET
When people say that "the truth is stranger than fiction," I don't believe that's necessarily true. Case in point: transformers. They're robots, but they're alive, and they have distinct personalities — it makes no sense.
But while scouring the news, every so often you'll come across some headlines that look like they have to be fake. In these cases, they aren't. They're real news stories (except for one this week) that involve real people.
These are Absurd Headlines.
1. When the technology you love ends up betraying you.
This guy is simultaneously the luckiest and unluckiest guy in the world. Let this be a lesson: if you're going to cheat, maybe don't do it out in the open, or act natural when the Google camera car starts rolling around.
2. This is what you'd call a catch-22.
All right, so this is the only one on this list that's actually not a real headline, but that doesn't mean I can't want it to be real with every fiber of my being.
3. $!#* just got real.
A sign that modern civilization is doomed is when The Waffle House closes down forever. This is a restaurant that never closes. That always has your back. Whether it's after a long day at work, after a night of heavy drinking or getting ripped with your friends, or just when all you've got is $6.50 and still want to enjoy a full, sit-down meal. It'll never let you down.
4. Since 17 I've been geekin' on that water...
I love that there's a serious news article instructing the general public what lean is. Now I don't condone sipping on codeine regularly, but if you've never had some, you've got to try it at least once. Bonus points if you make a purple syrup reduction out of grape jolly ranchers and mix it with the codeine while it's still hot, then chill it.
5. It makes sense when you consider its competition in the survey.
When you're going up against Moe's and Chipotle, it's hard not to come out on top.
6. Dolphins are jerks.
Chalk it up to their hyper-intelligence, but dolphins are seriously messed up individuals and some of the animals are straight-up evil.
7. Take a look at this party animal.
Imagine seeing the look on the drug tester's face after all of the positive markers came up on his computer screen. I'd like to think it was like something from Back to the Future where Marty's rocking out on the guitar, except, you know, with debilitating drug abuse.
8. What an ungrateful little bird.
You know whoever owns that bird was howling with delight when this happened. "This is it, the moment I've been waiting for. Will they, will they...? YES!"
9. Just like rock beats scissors, mower beats chainsaw.
As horrifying as this familial spat is, I still have a lot of questions. Like, how did this kid manage to run a lawn mower over this dude. Did he try sneaking up on him with a chainsaw while he was mowing the lawn? And if he was trying to sneak up on him, couldn't he have picked a weapon a bit quieter than a chainsaw? I just can't get my head around it.
10. The 16th year is what did it?
The first 15 years and 364 days were fine, but once it hit the 16-year mark that's when everyone finally decided to have enough? Honestly 16 minutes of opera is too much, let alone years. Can you imagine how traumatized everyone who lived near her for that amount of time is now? There has to be some PTSD associated with it.
11. Just imagine the conversation that took place before this happened.
"Hey dude, I think that may be, uhh, too many in the bag."
'No we're good.'
"No, seriously, I think we're pushing our luck."
'It's not like we're shipping anything illegal.'
"But the quantity."
'A quantity can't be illegal.'
"Yeah but this is a lot."
'Look, we've got a huge order and a deadline to make, and this is our only option. Besides, what's going to happen? Are they gonna shut down the airport or something?'
12. Just another day in Boise, Idaho.
Seriously, I never thought Idaho would be so lit. The reason why this headline is so horrifying is just how descriptive it is. You can see all of the events play out in your head, just like you witnessed a naked, wild man brandishing a knife and getting tazed by the cops.
13. So original.
I want to meet the person who came up with this name. They've probably got a bunch of other zingers like, "homehome" and "starstar" just chilling in their back pocket.
14. NAY they said.
Ha HA! Get it?! NAY! Because she was riding a horse and they denied her from getting a meal in the drive-thru because she was riding a HORSE. Haha! Dude...I crack myself up.
15. We've got another Ocean's movie on our hands.
Call Soderbergh up and see if the NightFox is available, along with two Swedish actors for "authenticity".
16. But, did it work?
I have a feeling the only reason it didn't is because there weren't enough Boston Kremes in the box.
17. Look at how happy he is.
This is the face of a hero. A well-hydrated hero.
18. Look, they can deny it all they want...
But that, right there, is a donkey with painted on zebra stripes. I mean, the ink is washing out on it for crying out loud.
19. Wait, what?
Why didn't anyone tell me when I was a kid that I could actually grow up to become a ninja? Why wasn't this offered as a course in college? Are you freaking kidding me?
20. Such bad manners.
Like I don't know where ya'll were raised or who brought you up but I was always told not to bite off the host's appendages when I'm a guest in their home.
21. A more perfect headline has never been written.
Come on, we all want something bad to happen to someone who's obsessively coming up with the best post possible for the 'gram.
