Rumor Has It That the Hollywood Elite Has Access to Secret Tunnels Under Los Angeles

As someone who lived in Los Angeles for six years, I can attest to the unique traffic problems that plague that city. Some of it has to do with the sheer volume of individuals who live in a place that covers 502 square miles. Part of the problem is, as it is in most cities, the attachment we have to our vehicles. As stressful as it is getting stuck in traffic, people want to feel as if they have control over the situation. Spoiler alert: They do not.

Most of the issue with Los Angeles is the lack of interest in taking advantage of its flawed but available public transportation options. There are a ton of bus routes as well as a semi-decent metro system, both of which exist to serve the less financially comfortable residents. Classism strikes again. Speaking of the rich and famous, rumor has it there is a system of underground tunnels used by the Hollywood elite in the City of Angels. It's called the Actor Bahn, and we need to know more.

Comedian Steven Randolph had a guest on his podcast who swore up and down there are numerous complex tunnels beneath Los Angeles. This person is apparently no longer shackled to an NDA that prevented him from sharing this wild information. "You used to work at a secret Starbucks," says Steven in a clip posted to his TikTok. You might be wondering what Starbucks has to do with secret tunnels. Buckle up because it's ridiculous.

After confirming that he did in fact work at a very high-end, classified Starbucks "no one's ever heard of," the guest asked Steven if he ever wondered why he never saw someone like Will Smith on the 405. "I've never seen a one percenter just in their car, stuck in traffic," said the mystery guest. Steven was equally baffled by this. When can we expect to see Julia Roberts giving someone the finger because they won't let her merge? There can only be one reason why.

We don't see these people angrily screaming at a car in front of them, because of all the secret tunnels. The mystery guest says they are known as the "Actor Bahn" which is of course a play on Germany's Autobahn. The guest goes on to say that these celebrities have different access points around the city that allow them to avoid traffic completely. What could make a secret tunnel even better? What about several exclusive Starbucks scattered about? I hope these tunnels have bathrooms!

Thankfully, Steven asks the one question we've all been dying to ask. Which celebrities are using these tunnels? The mystery guest threw out the names Oprah, Bono, and Seinfeld. Because Steven's a comic, naturally he was stunned to hear Seinfeld. To prove he's not lying, the mystery guest dropped Seinfeld's Starbucks order: almond milk latte, two shots. By the way, these celebrities do not have to pay which is how the rich stay rich!

The mystery guest was half right. There are in fact tunnels under Los Angeles, but they aren't being used to allow A-listers to get their Starbucks orders faster. According to Atlas Obscura, the best travel guide in the biz, during Prohibition, "11 miles of service tunnels became passageways to basement speakeasies with innocuous fronts above ground."

There are also several abandoned equestrian and subway tunnels that were in use long before cars stank up the joint. All of these are closed to the public though the Hollywood elite does occasionally use them for film or television purposes. We doubt there is a Starbucks down there but perhaps someone might stumble upon an old batch of homemade gin.