Work-From-Home Parents Share Complaints About Their "Coworkers" — AKA Their Kids

Shannon Dingle is a writer and mom who is, like many, now working from home in the presence of their children because of the coronavirus pandemic. All of a sudden, parents are faced with a whole new band of "coworkers," many of whom constantly demand their attention and / or break things they're not supposed to be touching. 

So Shannon asked the people of Twitter to share stories of what their "coworkers" (read: children) are doing these days, and the result is an endlessly entertaining thread. 

I don't know about you, but I have had a lot of coworkers in my time who enjoy a good yogurt. Very popular office snack. But I don't think I've had a coworker who has been upset that they had yogurt when it's what they wanted in the first place. This is new territory. 

The "NOT the dog" clarification is very important here because licking someone to get attention is very much something that a dog does. When a human child does it, it's very different. I assume. I don't think a human child has ever licked me to get my attention, and I hope one never does.

To be fair, they're right. Why subtract when you can add? That's what I always say. OK fine. I never say that. But I would. I just try to not think about math as much as humanly possible.

And it is funny! It is funny when "coworkers" really mean "children." If this were to happen in a real office, there would be a whole mess of HR meetings, firings, sexual harassment seminars, etc. It would be very messy. So let this be a lesson to anyone who was considering biting their coworker's butt because they thought it would be funny. Don't do it.

If you have children...or a dog...or a husband...or a wife...or a non-binary partner...and you are stuck at home for an extended period of time, you're going to get some farts in the face. It's just statistics. I mean, come on, with the amount of beans people are eating these days? We're lucky it's not all farts all the time. 

In your average Lego set, there are, oh I don't know, a million different Lego pieces. This argument definitely isn't about the Lego piece, you know? It's about the principle of the thing. In addition to being a mom and an employee, this poor woman now has to be a mediator. That's too many jobs! 

Ah yes, we all have that one coworker who refuses to wear a shirt and slaps their belly while yelling, "Shirt!" Oh. No? We don't? That would actually be highly inappropriate? I should report it to HR if that ever happens? I shouldn't ever have to deal with that at my job? Who knew?

One of the worst things you can do is steal your coworker's food. It's indefensible. And pudding?! Pudding is sacred. It's like yogurt but so much better. I hope they got back at them for this terrible food crime. 

Honestly, I get it. Cheesecake is amazing, and if you don't have cheesecake? Well, that's a tragedy. I myself have flung myself on the floor before, saddened by the lack of fluffy, creamy, sweet cheesecake in my immediate vicinity. I understand this reaction. 

Well, this is silly. Owls may not talk, but it's perfectly fine to talk to owls. Let me have a chat with these "coworkers" of Elizabeth's, and I'll set them straight. Hoo do they think they are anyway? (That was an owl joke. I'm prouder of it than I should be. Let's just leave it at that.)

Ah yes. Well, the thing is, we all recognize that the Silly Putty ended up behind the couch cushions. That's undeniable. You see it smushed between the cracks. I see it smushed between the cracks. But how it got there? Couldn't tell you. You didn't put it there. I don't see anyone else who could have put it there. It's one of life's great mysteries that I guess we'll never solve.

Honestly, I kind of wish my coworkers did this to me every morning. What a greeting! And Goldfish? Delicious. This should become a thing. We'll call it the Goldfish Greeting, and it's how we'll say hi to the people we work with from now on. Who's in?