Everyone's Screen Time Reports Have Become Insane, and the Jokes are Hilarious

If you have an iPhone, you've probably been assaulted with your Weekly Screen Time Reports before. They show up unannounced and make you question all your life choices from the previous week. 

But during quarantine, when we have literally nothing to do and no other method of communicating with people, people are spending so much more time on their phones. And the screen time reports have been insane. People on Twitter keep joking about them because, if we don't joke, we cry. 

The blinking man really does exude the perfect amount of incredulity for this situation. The amount of time one spends on their phone these days is, as Vizzini from The Princess Bride would say, INCONCEIVABLE.

But it's true. My screen time reports have been relatively low, but that's only because I'm on my laptop all the time, and when I'm not on my laptop, I'm playing Animal Crossing. I cannot tell you how many hours of my life I've lost to Animal Crossing. It's embarrassing.

"Harrowing" is the right word for it. Logically, we understand that we should allow ourselves this otherwise egregious amount of phone time. But it can still be hard to shake the shame.

I would say this is me too, but I really don't think I look that cute. The PJs all day thing, though... That's definitely me. I have put jeans on three times in the last three weeks, and I feel great about it. 

Does your screen time report actually make you close your tech, though? I would probably just throw my phone across the room and open my laptop. Spoiler alert: They have all the same things on them! But the laptop won't shame you for looking at it.

Seriously, this screen time report has no idea what it's like to be quarantined for over a month. If it was forced to stay home all the time too, it would understand. 

The worst part about the terrible screen time reports is that there is nothing you can do about it. That's what this kid says to me. He says, "I know the screen time report is bad. But I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, so it's not getting better anytime soon. And that is the truth I have to live with."

I would kill for my iPhone to give up weekly screen time reports on its own. That would be the nicest thing it could do for me. Instead of a weekly screen time report, I would like a weekly "You're Doing Great!" report that just says, "You're doing great!" every Sunday.

It's remarkable how, with technology, you can get so sucked in that you have no idea how long you've even been awake. It's even easier these days, now that no one's putting on real clothes. Wait, no one else is putting on real clothes, right?

It seems impossible that you could be on your phone for 27 hours per day considering that there are only 24 hours in a day, but I tell ya, the quarantine is playing time tricks on us. It happens.

Our phones are mini computers. They can do so many complex tasks, but they can't understand that we are all having a hard time right now and they need to cool it? I find that hard to believe. I think our phones know that they're being mean to us.

This is true, but also, for those of us who are still working, we have the regular Sunday Scaries on top of these new Sunday Scaries. So, that's a lot. That's all I'm saying.

The terrible thing about this is that the screen time report doesn't lie. No matter what. But also, this man is clearly horrible and needs to be dumped immediately. He's clearly a sociopath.

That's not very nice. Weekly screen time report, you apologize to Hazel right this very instant. She's just trying to live her life, bake a bunch of sourdough, and gather all the fruit and tarantulas the islands of Animal Crossing has to offer, just like the rest of us. She doesn't need you butting in.

What? How? Why? Who has two phones that they use regularly? Is one for work? Why? Who? How? I can't even handle one screen time report. I couldn't imagine getting two.

Hey, you take the victories when they come. That 19 percent is no small feat. Maybe it happened because you were napping more. Maybe it was because you forgot which sweatpants you left for phone in. The reason doesn't matter. It's the results that we care about.

Hey, real question. If we become one with our phones, then we become the screen, right? And then screen time reports become obsolete because you can't use something that is you, right?! OK. Just thinking out loud.

Here's the thing. I know there's a lot going on right now, and the government is very busy, but this is real. And they should absolutely make screen time reports illegal, not just now, but always. I think we've learned that they are, in general, a bad idea.

The spite in that sentence is almost too much to handle. Obviously, this and all other screen time reports should shut their stupid faces. Elise brings up a very good point.

But hey, you don't have to suffer screen time reports in silence. You can do something about these unwelcome oppressors. They're actually really easy to turn off. Just go to your Settings, hit Screen Time, and there, you can turn it off forever. You're welcome.