35 Thanksgiving Jokes for Adults Who Have Finally Outgrown the Kids' Table

Thanksgiving is here once again, and that means it’s time for two of our favorite things: lots of food and lots of jokes. Even if you’re keeping things small and low-key this year, there’s always room for laughter around the Thanksgiving table — and the best part is there are no cooking skills required!

Without further ado, here are some of our favorite Thanksgiving jokes for adults.

1) Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day? A: Quack, quack!

2) A young man who worked at a grocery store had just finished stocking the turkeys in the freezer when a woman approached and asked, “Excuse me, do these turkeys get any bigger?” “No ma’am,” he replied. “These turkeys are dead.”

3) Q: What song should you listen to on Thanksgiving? A: "All About That Baste."

4) A man called up his adult daughter and told her the bad news: He and his wife were getting a divorce. “But why, dad? What happened?” the daughter asked. “I’ve been miserable for years and I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve packed my bags and I’m leaving tonight!” the father replied.

“Wait, dad! Don’t do anything drastic. I’m coming over to talk to you guys. Can you at least wait until tomorrow?” asked the daughter. “OK, why don’t you bring John and the kids, too. I’m sure your mom will want to see them,” the dad said. “OK,” said the daughter. “See you then.” The man hung up the phone, then said, “Honey! The kids are coming over for Thanksgiving!”

5) “When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat!" — David Letterman

6) I shot my first-ever turkey for Thanksgiving this year. Sure scared everyone in the grocery store, though.

7) So this guy checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving. As it turns out, he just couldn’t quit cold turkey.

8) One Thanksgiving morning, a farmer walks into his house with a turkey under his arm. “This is the pig I’ve been sleeping with,” he says. “That’s a turkey,” his wife says. The man answers, “I wasn’t talking to you."

9) Q: What’s the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day? A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for one day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.

10) Q: How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey? A: Only one, but you have to really squeeze him in there.

11) Q: If the Pilgrims were still alive today, what would they be most famous for? A: Their age.

12) “A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying 'that smells good' to be helping.” — Jimmy Fallon

13) Q: What does a disappointed mother turkey tell her kids? A: “If your father could see you now, he’d be rolling over in his gravy!”

14) Q: Why was the turkey ruined on Thanksgiving? A: I have no idea, but I suspect fowl play.

15) I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie, but some people say that’s irrational.

16) This morning, my wife said she wanted me to help fix Thanksgiving dinner. I said, “Why? Is it broken?”

17) What happened when the cannibal showed up late to Thanksgiving dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

18) Q: Why did the cranberries turn red? A: Because they saw the turkeys dressing.

19) Q: What sound does a turkey with one leg make? A: Wobble, wobble!

20) I was going to serve sweet potatoes for Thanksgiving, but I accidentally sat on them. Now I’m serving squash.

21) Q: What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving? A: Lucky.

22) “Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: Watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car." — Stephen Colbert

23) Here’s a recipe for how to cook a turkey. Step 1: Go buy a turkey. Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey. Step 3: Put turkey in the oven. Step 4: Take another two drinks of whiskey. Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens. Step 6: Take three more whiskeys of drink. Step 7: Turn oven the on. Step 8: Take four whisks of drinky. Step 9: Turk the bastey. Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get. 

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer. Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey. Step 13: Bake the whiskey for four hours. Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey. Step 15: Floor the turkey up off the pick. Step 16: Turk the carvey. Step 17: Get yourself a scottle of botch. Step 18: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey. Step 219: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

24) Q: What did the obstetrician say when Thanksgiving was ready? A: “The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!” 25) Q: What can never, ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner? A: Thanksgiving breakfast.

26) Q: What do jazz lovers put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving? A: Groovy.

27) Q: What are turkeys thankful for on Thanksgiving?
A: Vegans.

28) Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.

29) Q: What’s blue and covered in feathers?
A: A turkey holding its breath.

30) Q: What do you call a turkey’s evil twin? A: A Gobblegänger. 31) Q: Why didn’t the cook season the turkey? A: There was no thyme! 32) Q: Why did the turkey bring a microphone to dinner? A: He was ready for a roast.

33) Q: What smells the best at the Thanksgiving dinner table? A: Your nose.

34) Q: What's insulting on a normal day but not on Thanksgiving? A: Someone flipping the bird.

35) Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving? A: The letter G.