What the Hell Is Oreo Thinking by Debuting These Two New Flavors?

Listen, we all know that Nabisco is capable of churning out some more-than-delicious Oreo flavors. We've seen it happen before, there's proof of it and it is glorious. So I don't understand why they're going out of their way to make such nasty flavors.

Like if you were sitting around at a Buffalo Wild Wings or your favorite sushi spot, would you ever take a bite into your meal and then look up at the lightbulb that just popped up above your head and say aloud, "Hey, this would make for an amazing Oreo?"

You wouldn't, because you're not a psychopath. But for whatever reason, the cookie manufacturer decided that the best new flavors to debut in China are spicy chicken wing and wasabi. No, I'm not joking.

Thankfully, the initial response to the news was an appropriate one: that it's an abomination and should be stopped immediately. But Mondelez, the parent company that owns the Oreo brand, is hyping up the cookies as the "salty and spicy" flavors that "you never knew" could exist in cookies.

Now there might be a reason that I "never knew" they could exist in cookies... Because it's KNOWLEDGE that these flavors shouldn't exist with each other. Who in their right mind has ever wanted to dip a buffalo wing in milk and eat it? Serial killers, that's who.

There are some unconventional ingredients pairings that end up doing wonders for certain foods. A Japanese pancake recipe, for example, calls for mixing mayonnaise in your batter.

Disgusting, I know. But the recipe calls for a sweet mayonnaise, and, the chemical reaction from adding the mixture to the batter, along with cooking it, gets rid of the mayonnaise flavor and results in the fluffiest flapjacks you ever did see. However, this is a different animal entirely, and that's because they're intentionally creating a cookie to taste like something that shouldn't be in a chocolate biscuit cookie form.

I don't know what the cookie market demographics in China look like, but I'm assuming that they'll hate the idea of these Oreos as much as everyone else on the internet, because they're human beings with taste buds.

There aren't any plans to bring the flavors to the U.S. (thank God), but that hasn't stopped people from wondering aloud why they would decide to bring wasabi and chicken wing iterations of their cookies to market instead of bringing back some delicious no-brainers.

Why would Mondelez think that the people of China wouldn't enjoy a delicious, graham cracker and marshmallow chocolate concoction like s'mores Oreos? I can't find any Chinese packages of them online, so I'm only assuming they don't exist in the region, but that's one great example of a flavor people would enjoy other than the nastiness that are wasabi and chicken wing flavors.

Perhaps the most infuriating part of the whole thing is just how much delight and joy the Oreo branding team is taking in pushing these cookies out with  cute little photoshoots that try to normalize these cookies with appropriate "pairings."

Sure thing, I'm just going to have a small plate of hot wings with a sesame seed sweet bun and and some hot orange zinger tea. The only thing missing from this meal are some cookies that taste like buffalo wing sauce. Thank goodness Nabisco's got my back!

The wasabi one is even worse. They have the nerve to pair the cookies up with a plate of sushi, and some random grapes and a single lychee. I get that it's for aesthetics and all, but it's still annoying.

The flavors are so bafflingly bad that there are some people online who are thoroughly convinced that it's all an elaborate prank from Mondelez. If only that were the case.

I just don't know who the heck they think they are. I mean, I only have so many calories a day that I can give to junk food, right? I would love to eat trash all day but I'm not training like an Olympian day-in day-out, so I can't.

And even if I could, what makes anyone think that I would waste my precious calories on something that sounds like it'd be a cruel form of torture? Are these cookies being sold to the Chinese military or something?

Picture it: you're a prisoner in some basement holding facility. You haven't eaten in god knows how long. Your captors open the door to your cell, they don't speak. They carry only a plate and a glass of milk. You see Oreo cookies on the plate. Not the most balanced meal but a warm comfort after the days of cold and starvation and savage beatings.

You inspect the cookies to see that there's green and orange cream filling. Hmm, maybe mint chocolate Oreos? Orange cream? Those are gross but palatable under the circumstances. You tear into the cookie only to reveal that they're friggin' wasabi flavored. You try the other biscuits and it only gets worse. You know you're going to eat them, because you're starving. You weep silently to yourself as you swallow the disgusting cookies and hear the guards cackling outside, reveling in your misery.

If you could believe it, there are actually some people who are upset that these cookies aren't coming stateside. That's right, there are people who admit to wanting to try these.

Shame. For shame.